Information overload.

I’m not a confrontational person, and for the most part, I think this is a good thing.  But, god, sometimes, I wish I were.  People constantly pass off bullshit to me, thinking I’m not going to know it one way or another because I never call them on it.  They lie to me, I smile and pretend to believe it, and they seem to think I believe them.  You’ve no idea.  They’ve no idea.  And even if I do finally say something, it’s generally only the tip of the iceberg of what I actually do know or have figured out.  I don’t know why I have this weird obsession with keeping information to myself.  I know it can be a good thing.  People tend to tell me their secrets, and people need that.

 Sometimes, though, I don’t want to know your secrets.  Especially when I think your “secret” is a bunch of bullshit.  Because one day, I’m gonna explode and tell you what I really know about you.

Okay, venting done now.  Proceed.

Because it’s been a bit…

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this, so I figured since I’m actually ready for work quite early, I’d pop in and update.  Don’t be fooled.  It’ll still be brief.  In a nutshell:

• Today is Jim’s birthday.  (Yay, Jim!)  I’m secretly–or not-so-secretly–excited because now he’s 26, on the “right” side of 25.  You know, where he’s closer to 30 than 20 now.  This makes me feel less like a pervert.  (I’m 33.)
• Gremlin, the kitten, went to the vet for his first visit.  We already knew about the fleas, but it turns out he had worms and ear mites, too.  WHY HADN’T I THOUGHT OF THAT?  I think we got rid of everything, except our battle with fleas seems to be reoccuring…
• More overtime!  I’m excited. 
• Not so good news: People came to my sister’s house, looking for either me or my ex-husband.  Not sure why–I haven’t lived there for a year now and I’m not exactly hard to find.  Did a little looking online to find out who it was: Apparently, it’s the bank for the house–the house, per the divorce decree, is my ex’s and should have been put in his name only.  Looks like he never did it, and now he’s not paying his bills, so there’s a foreclosure in his future, which is screwing up my credit.  Yet again.  Sigh.  Looks like I’m still stuck in this idiot’s drama.  I thought I was done?
• Speaking of ex, can someone tell me why he keeps showing up at my door at the end of the month to pay me the money he owes me?  Why doesn’t he just mail it like a normal person?  Geez.  Oh, well, at least I’m getting my money back.
• So far, Jim seems to like his new job.  But let’s be honest, he’s only worked one real day.  We’ll see how that turns out.

That’s all, folks.

Life should be.

So, I came home from work on Friday, right?  Jim asks me how my day was, all that good, normal, couple stuff, but I can tell he’s patiently waiting for me the shut the hell up because he has news.  His news?  HE GOT THE JOB.  Granted, it’s a little bit less money than what he’s making now, but 1) he’ll have more hours, so it will make up for that, 2) he’ll finally have health insurance, and 3) this job has way more advancement potential.

For the first time in what feels like FOREVER, we went out to celebrate.  We don’t eat out as much as we used to, as we’re trying hard to try to pay off bills, but this?  This was worth it.  And we didn’t go to any place.  We went to O’Charley’s, which, by the way, has some of the best quesadillas ever.  And , yes, for other vegetarians out there, you can just ask them to leave off the meat.

Speaking of being a vegetarian: Yesterday, we went to Jim’s dad’s retirement party.  We had missed the public one a week or so back because it started before I even got off work, and honestly, neither Jim nor I were feeling very well, anyway.  I’m sure there were enough people there to make our absence unnoticable, though.  After all, when the town’s deputy police chief retires, it’s kind of a big deal.  Or so I hear–his dad’s retirement made the front page of one of the little local papers around here.

But I digress.  We went to the private retirement party–I guess you’d call it that, anyway–and somehow, it was found out that I was vegetarian.  Yes, I’ve been to Jim’s parents’ places before.  Both sets.  And while his sister knows I’m a vegetarian–hell, she’s been our waitress a couple of times–for some reason, with Jim’s parents, I’ve been reluctant to disclose that fact.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because we live in the meat-loving, Bible belt.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been attacked too many times for the fact that I’d rather have a Boca Burger on the grill than a steak.  And I know most people think of vegetarians as the self-righteous, crazy hippie people, so they immediately get defensive and start attacking me, but me, honestly, I have a hard time giving a shit what other people are eating.  I just don’t want to eat meat.  Period, end of story.

Jim apparently had gone to his step-mom to find out which foods did and did not have meat.  He didn’t need to, as his sister had already given me a head’s up.  And, as usual, it wasn’t a problem.  But right before we left, while I was waiting for Jim to come back from saying goodbye to his mother, his dad knocked on my door.  Curious, I opened it.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were a vegetarian,” he said immediately.  “Did you get enough to eat?”

“Oh, yeah.”  I was surprised.

“Next time, we’ll call ahead and make sure there’s more for vegetarian food for you.”

Slight panic.  Here’s the thing–and the reason why Jim and I avoid so many dinners and why I keep my being a vegetarian under the wraps: I don’t want to put anyone out.  “Oh, really, that’s no problem, you don’t have to do that.  Honestly, Jim worries too much.  I always find something to eat.”  And it’s true.  I rarely have a problem.  Of course, that could be because I’m not super picky about making sides dishes into main courses either.

But it was very sweet of him.  I guess the evil truth about me had to come out sometime, heh.  Kinda like the “evil truth” about me and Jim living together and the fact that I’m not going anywhere, so they might have to deal with me for a long time, haha.  I think they’ve figured that one out, though, and they don’t seem to hate me too much; his grandmother hollered over a herd of people to me (Jim has a huge family) that she was glad I had showed up and was hoping I’d come to one of their family functions.  One of Jim’s brothers–actually, the one that waited on us on our very first date alone together–told me I was “so good” for Jim.  He was probably just being nice, but honestly, when Jim’s snuggled up to me at night and telling me that this is exactly how life should be…well, I can’t say he’s wrong.

TGIF!

There is about an hour or so to kill between dropping Jim off and when I have to get ready for work, and I have to admit, I really like this time.  It’s nice and peaceful.  What have I been doing during that hour?  Watching TV.  Surprising, I guess, since I don’t really watch much TV on my own–usually, Jim and I watch DVDs and it’s definitely almost always his idea, and after about two hours of it, I’m begging to have the TV turned off because, my god, there’s only so much I can take.  (Jim, in case you haven’t caught on, is a TV whore–er, I mean, “buff.”)  But mostly, I’ve been watching the news.   I can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  For example, after I watched CNN’s cheating death about suspended animation the other day, I’m now convinced that we’re just paving the way for zombies.  Suddenly, Jim’s “zombie contingency plan” that I laughed at when I first started dating suddenly doesn’t sound that crazy.

Laugh.  You just don’t know.  But now I have something new to think about at work: Cubicles overrun by zombies!

Anyway.  Things are pretty good.  A couple posts back, I wrote about dreaming about getting an error at work.  Two days later, it came true.  I fought it hard and had it removed.  Yay me.  Let’s see, what else?  I got a raise at work.  A good one.  Technically, I also got a promotion with it, but really, all it is is a slight name change.  It’s still the same job.  I texted Jim my new wages; he was impressed.  Speaking of jobs, Jim had another interview.  He sounds like he might actually want this one, but we’ll see how it goes.  We’re both really liking his new schedule here at his current place, and if he went to this other place, I’d bet money he’d wind up back on thirds.  And bah to that.

Relationship stuff: Jim and I are doing great.  Although, honestly, I’m not sure I’d post about it if we weren’t, but luckily, we are.  I guess some people are in the dark about it though: Jim invited his mom up to our apartment the other day, and it was only then she realized that we lived together.  I mean, I know that she knew we were serious, but I don’t think she realizes how serious.  Jim’s positive he’s told his mother he moved in with me and she apparently forgot.  But I guess now the news is traveling to the other unenlightened people in his family.  Jim’s brother, the one in the military, called Jim the other day.  One of the bad things about a lot of cell phones is you can hear EVERYTHING the other person is saying, and I heard him asking Jim about how he had heard that Jim had moved in with me, then he asked Jim if things were going good with me, to which Jim replied, “Yeah, they’re good.  REAL good, actually.”

Ha.  Told you that we were doing well.

Well, the alarm just went off, which means now I really need to get ready for work.  Ugh.  What a long week.  But at least it’s Friday, yeah?

The girls must be crazy.

As of yesterday, Jim has started gaming again, a suggestion not-so-subtly given by yours truly.  Why, praytell, would I give such a suggestion?  Easy.  Jim loves it.  Since we’ve started dating, he’s regaled me with gaming stories, but he had bowed out of games because with our different work schedules, it was difficult enough for us to spend time together as it was.  So when he started first shift, I pointed out that time wasn’t an issue anymore, we now had every night and weekends together–why not game again?

Within a few minutes of that conversation, Jim was on the phone, calling his old buddies up.  He was so excited, and it was a delight to see.

Yesterday was their first game.  Jim left at 11 AM and didn’t come home until around 8:30 PM, which he had forewarned me would happen.  I suspected as much; when we first started dating, Jim ran a very short-lived game for Phil, Shannon, and me that lasted about six (torturous) hours on Sundays.  I say “torturous” not to be mean, as I can see where Jim is very good with stories; I say torturous because that game is what taught me that while I like the idea of role-playing games, I’m too shy to actually play in one.  For me, “role-playing” is completely embarassing and it was akin to having an oral presentation scheduled every Sunday afternoon just to punish myself.  I’d rather just listen to Jim talk about them.

But I digress.  Jim had warned me how long it would take and commented that if I didn’t constantly call or text him while he was there or be all pissy at him when he came home, I would be officially the best girlfriend (or significant other, I guess, as some are married) of all the guys in their crew.  I was confused.  “Even of the female gamers?” I asked him.  “They should know how long it takes.  They get pissy, too?”

“Oh, yes,” he replied.  I got the impression it was especially pertaining to the female gamers.

I don’t get it.  Okay: Your man spends all week with you.  He wants want ONE afternoon with his buddies.  You know he’s not sleeping around or drinking or gambling your earnings away.  He’s away for the allotted time he said he would be, then he comes straight home.  Why would you constantly call or text your man if it’s not an emergency?  Why wouldn’t you just let him enjoy his friends for the day?  Why would you be mad when he got back?  What exactly has he done wrong?

It’s funny.  I love people and I hate them.  Most my friends are guys but I’m wary of guys.  I’m a feminist who tries to keep women friends to a minimum.  Why?  Because everyone is stupid!  I think I’m a misanthrope with a soft spot for people.  It makes things very confusing.

I did not call or text Jim once.  Why would I?  I had a day to myself, a rare day to myself.  I mean, I love Jim, I really do, but I’m built to require a certain amount of time alone to recharge.  At work, I’m surrounded by people, my job is to talk to people on the phone call day, and then I come home to Jim.  Jim has become “home base” for me, so it’s not so bad, but sometimes, I do just need the alone time, and I haven’t had it…well, since I started dating Jim, really.  And I found I really needed it.  So when Jim came home, we were both happy.  He had a blast with his friends; I cooked him up Chicken a la King.  I have to admit, it looked really good and I almost wished I wasn’t a vegetarian just so I could find out how it tasted.  (Note to self: Vegetarian version coming soon!)

At any rate, the other girls are crazy.  This whole having the entire Saturday to myself to watch as much Charmed as I want, to listen to as much “girly” music as I want, to play as much Warcraft as I want…who the hell wouldn’t want that?

Gremlin.

 Jim and I have a new addition to the family, a kitten.  We had talked before about getting our “own” kitten but had decided to hold off until other things had settled down.  Honestly, I was perfectly happy with just Emmy and Piper, but I guess I understand where Jim is coming from on that: While he adores Emmy and Piper–and trust me, the feeling is mutual, as they love him more than I’ve ever seen them love anyone else besides myself–I think in the back of his mind, he always thinks of them as “step-cats.”  Sounds funny, but feelings are funny things.  

Like I said, the decision before was to leave it alone for now.  But the other day, I went over to my sister’s to take her dog out, and I heard a little “mewmewmew!” and turned to find this tiny guy bounding toward me as fast as his little legs could carry him.  I grabbed him before Vash could get at him and immediately brought him over to Jim, who was waiting for me in the car.  After I was done with Vash, we knocked on some doors to see if the kitten belonged to anyone.  We stopped when we noticed an empty, overturned box in the direction the kitten had come from and figured someone had left him.  We sat in the car, and finally, I turned to Jim and asked, “What do you want to do?”

“Keep him,” he said immediately.  The kitten was crawling on him and Jim was grinning.  We had looked at other kittens before, but this is the first time I had seen Jim “latch” onto one like this.  I decided to worry about vet bills later; we’d get it taken care of, one way or another.  Some things, it seems, are just meant to be.  “Can I name him?” Jim asked.

“We said when we got another cat, you’d be the one to name him.  You have something in mind?”

“Gremlin,” he said.  “Because of his ears and how he was clawing at me earlier.”  Gremlin was looking at Jim and starting to fall asleep, his big ears perked in his new dad’s direction.  “Giiiiiiizmooo!” Jim said in a funny voice, undoubtedly quoting some part of the movie that I don’t remember.

Gremlin.  Totally a name that Jim would name a cat.  It’s perfect.

For the birds.

I’m not exactly sure when it started happening, but lately, I can’t seem to sleep more than six or so hours.  Even on weekends.  If I go to bed too early–”too early,” for me, being the very reasonable hour of 11 PM for everyone else–I’m now waking up around 5 AM, which is just too damn early, particularly when you consider that I don’t have to be at work until 9 AM.  Really, I need to quit going to bed early, but now Jim wants to be in bed by 10 since he has to be at work at 7 AM.  And, of course, I want to go to bed with him.  But this whole waking up at 5 AM thing and then spending the time between then and the alarm worrying…yeah, this “morning bird” thing is for the birds.

I was about to say that one of the reasons why I would rather sleep is because while you’re sleeping, you don’t worry, but that’s not true–you just have bad dreams instead.  I rarely seem to have good dreams these days.  The other night, the dream was that I got an error at work.  I was sure when I got to work yesterday that I’d check my email and see that I got an error.  Luckily, this wasn’t the case, but I’m going to be on edge until they have all the September audits in.  And then I’ve had a couple of dreams with Jim cheating on me, which is absurd since he’s the most loyal man I’ve ever met and, besides, he’s always with me when not at work, so it’s not like he has the time, anyway.  Hey, I didn’t say that dreams were always logical.

Then, of course, my biggest worry, which is money, or the lack of it, the abundance of bills, and the doctors that Jim and I both need to see.  He doesn’t have insurance and won’t let me put him on mine; I do have insurance but can’t even afford anything they might charge me.

And then, with all this, there’s the conversation that keeps coming up: Marriage.  I don’t even remember how we got on the subject, but we were lying in bed talking when  Jim said, in a very determined voice, “I want to get married.  To you,” he added, knowing full well I’d tease him about marrying someone else.  The man learns fast.

“Okay,” I said.

“Does that scare you?” he asked.

“No,” I said.  But maybe it does, a little.  I mean, hell, I’m divorced.  I know what marriage can turn into.  I know what men can turn into once they become husbands.  I know it gets worse when they turn into ex-husbands.  At the same time, I honestly don’t think that’ll happen with Jim.  There are guys who seem naturally inclined toward the single life; Jim, to me, seems like he was built to be in a relationship.  

I’m not opposed to getting married again, not if it’s Jim.  But there’s another thing: Weddings.  Granted, I’d be perfectly fine just going to the courthouse, but Jim is very traditional.  He wants there to be an engagement ring, a church, friends and family, all that.  My translation of this list: Money, money, money and more money.   You know.  The thing we don’t have.

Free for all.

Okay, this isn’t going to be thought out much at all–well, my blogs, as a general rule of thumb, aren’t–but this one, it’s gonna be worse.  Why?  I dunno.  Remember those exercises in English class where the teachers made you just write without thinking, and then you were surprised at what actually came out of it?  Yeah, me neither, but I figure if I do something like that enough, I’ll find some point to that exercise.

I was tired and was going to go to bed, but somehow, I managed to get my second wind.  What’s new?  Well, let’s see.  I caved on Jim’s job situation.  Those of you who know me (I think I’ve actually only told two people about this blog so HAHAHA, the rest of you are in the dark) know what I’m referring to.   Jim has been looking for a CNA job, but I’m not seeing CNA jobs in the paper.  Yesterday, at Kroger, we parked next to the guy who threatened Jim at his work a couple months back.  Then today, I was behind one of the cabs from the company with whom Jim said they’d guarantee him a job if he wanted it, and I thought, I don’t want Jim to be a cab driver.  Funny, because I once considered it myself just because, hell, imagine all the crazy people you’d get to meet.  And that’s exactly why I don’t want Jim to be a cab driver–the crazy people!  He could get robbed or shot or…I dunno, drooled on by drunk college idiots.

Between the two, I got to thinking about how much it sucks with Jim working nights, and frankly, how much more likely he is to get shot or something crazy with the hours he pulls now.

Oh, yeah, and it didn’t help that the other night, someone tried to walk into my apartment.  And, of course, I was sitting home alone since Jim was at work.  I texted him later about it ,which maybe I shouldn’t have done, since he just ended up sitting at work worrying about it.

The final straw:  Last night, I had a dream that Jim and I got into a fight regarding the whole thing and I started beating him with a hairbrush.  It was awful.  I had no control over it–it was like I was possessed.  I was thinking, this is dumb, this isn’t even me doing this.  So today, when I got home from work, thinking about how in the dream, how I was “beating Jim up” with something stupid, I asked him if he wanted to do first shift.  Yes, he said, because he’d like to see me more, the money would be better, and working thirds and having random hours is just exhausting to him.  However, he refuses to do it without my okaying it.  He’s worried I’ll be uncomfortable.  Of course, I’ll be uncomfortable, but this is just stupid.  I’m not going to keep him from a better position just because of what I’m afraid might happen.  Jim is not my ex. Jim is not a dick.

On that note, it’s funny how Jim tries hard not to do anything that reminds me of my ex-husband.  I keep telling him that he’s nothing like my ex, save their geeky tastes.  Jim mentioned a show he used to watch the other day, and I was like, “Oh, yeah, Brian used to watch that.”  Then Jim announced he wouldn’t watch it anymore, and I pointed out that Brian mostly has bad taste in some of the choices he makes–you know, things he says, some of the clothes he wears, the women he chooses to rebound with–but TV shows?  His taste isn’t so bad then.

Speaking of divorce, I’ve been quietly reading the blogs of my friends who have now split up.  They both seem to be moving on, so I guess that’s good.  It’s just weird.  Divorce is such a shitty thing, I hate seeing them go through it, and even if they are moving on, I know from experience that you just don’t magically “forget” the other person you used to be with, no matter how many new people you try to cram in your life.  But at least they’re trying to move on, meet new people.  I guess I handled it differently–I just wanted to be alone and refused to date until I met someone that had particular qualities I was looking for in a guy.  Specifically, the ones that were sorely lacking in my ex that I had come to realize that I valued: intelligence (my ex wasn’t totally dumb, actually, but not nearly as smart as I kept trying to believe he was), great sense of humor, loyalty, understanding, didn’t feel the need to mold me in his mirror image to keep me from forming my own ideas, thoughtful, and, a big one–can keep his mouth shut if I tell him something personal.  Oh, and good in bed.  HAHAHA.  Okay, that’s not really a joke.  These things are important, ya know.

At any rate…there you have it, that’s Jim.  Honestly, I didn’t think I’d find anyone who’d be like that–my list is pretty damn specific–but there it is.

Second wind is dying down, and honestly, I should probably end this blog since it seems like all I ever do is gush about Jim.  I mean, sure, I’m  not sick of talking about it, but I’m pretty sure my buddies are sick of hearing about it.  I’ve actually heard he’s like that about me at his work as well.  They told him he has become one of those guys who never shuts up about his girlfriend.  Before, I thought it was just because we were, you know, a “new” couple, but in a few short months, we’ll be closing in on our one year anniversary.  The difference between now and before?  I don’t only think, but I know he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  Getting more smitten every day.  I wonder if that’s how you know the person you’re with is the right one?

I swear, if this one doesn’t work out, I’m gonna join a convent.  For real.

Stir crazy.

Nothing much to report.  Worked overtime on Saturday morning.  No, they’re not bringing it back–it was a “one-time deal.”  Of course, I signed up for the maximum hours I could and then took PTO today.  HA.  Great idea, isn’t it?  As it turns out, it’s a good thing I did take today off because my schedule this weekend has been way off. 

Yesterday, Jim came home and updated me with his work situation.  Fight erupted.  Kinda.  I got angry and tried to leave before I took it out on Jim because, really, it’s not Jim’s fault.   He later told me he’d rather I stay here and take it out on him rather than have me bottle it up.  I’d rather get away and not call him things he doesn’t deserve.  Call me crazy, but that’s my preference.

But I don’t want to talk about it.  And, really, there isn’t much else to talk about if I’m not talking about that.  Jim’s been looking for another job.  He interviewed for a CNA job, thinks he got it, but it would actually be a cut in pay, and with money as tight as it is, he checked with me and we agreed he should turn it down. 

I’m torn.  I love it here, but I am feeling the itch to move again.  Bad.  Sitting here in my ugly apartment isn’t helping the situation, either.   And even Jim admits that sometimes, it would be really nice if he and I could go out and not run into the twenty million people he knows.

Well, sitting here in the dark is depressing me.  I’d turn on the lights and stuff, but Jim is asleep, so I think I’m gonna go out or something.  I have some plans sitting on the back burner of my brain, and while I’m not sure they’ll turn out, I think I’ll go out and stir the pot a little.  You know, just for something to do.

Flash!

What do you do when a man insists you wake him up at a certain time and then doesn’t get up?

Take a shower, that’s what.